Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.