A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Bed should get ready for ME
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.