behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.