[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with