When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie