When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
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My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Who needs an Air Fryer?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
These 3D printers are insane!
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.