1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
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Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Important
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*