[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit