Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me trying to walk in a dream
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*