if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.