Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
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[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.