nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
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DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Omg 🤣
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.