when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.