I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
You Might Also Like
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??