Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*