Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
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my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
u guys got any snacks onboard here