friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
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Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.