Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch