We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup