Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
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I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
He-man has a Masters degree
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*