My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?