The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
The news is so predictable nowadays
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please