If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.