SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me My dog
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Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days