Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.