On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
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My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there