Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Nothing.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto