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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
blocked.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
This bar smells like my childhood.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?