Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.