If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
181.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking: