Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack