Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
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everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Catercrombie & Fish
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me too, bag. Me too….
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Gemma Correll
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions