Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
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The 4 stages of a family vacation
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
me
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job