Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.