if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
#Caturday
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right