The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what