I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”