If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks