Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”