[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?