Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
2022 be like
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo