I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
You Might Also Like
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf