Fries, not lies.
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Going to church you guys need anything
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.