[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
IT’S-A ME,
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?