A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
live, laugh, laundry.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.