If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
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elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Hmmmmm
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I missed you with all my darts