Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
😏😏😏
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.