me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
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Pringles
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.