best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
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Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
based al yankovic
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.