“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location